It has been too long since I have been stirred by Deity. So long in fact that I had thrown away the concept of Gods altogether and concentrated myself solely on the physical aspects of Pagan worship. While this was fulfilling and I learnt much about my own connection to the Earth and her cycles I truly, deep down felt as though something was missing. That I hadn't yet found what I was seeking. The problem is, is that I still have no idea if I am any closer now than I was all those years ago. But I will say this, it's going to be a very interesting experience........
I've always struggled with my belief in the existence of actual Gods despite my near obsession with mythology pertaining to the Gods. It a concept that greatly confuses me and I have spent many, many hours contemplating as to whether I truly am crazy for my thoughts even drifting in the direction of them being 'real'. I'm a practical person at heart so I have a tenancy to place my experiences in the crazy bin unless they have been physically proven or backed up by someone I implicitly trust. I have mentioned before that I am a Reiki practitioner and I have been asked as to how I can carry a belief in Reiki so strongly but dismiss the existence Deity out of hand. When I was first attuned to Reiki it was a brilliant physical experience. I could literally feel the energy coursing through my hands in the very same way I can feel my coffee cup in my hand right now. It was a tangible experience that has been backed up by many peoples experiences since. The concept of Gods is a little trickier to wrap my head around. In the last year I have had three separate Deities present themselves to me. All three feel as though they have distinct personalities and energies with their presence and so out the window goes my avoidance of polytheistic belief. I have spent a year in meditation with Deity, the journal that had sat unused for 4 years previously is now full to the brim of Deity experiences. I've flipped back through a few times and while I was reading through I could feel the ugly self doubt creeping back through - I'm crazy right? I'm just compensating for something and just creating 'Deity' experiences.
I've dismissed them many times and every time I have Their quiet voice within me has become a roar. If I ignore them them I find that my thoughts become consumed with thought of them. Back in August I had finally had enough so I sat down and did one of my favorite things. I closed my eyes and thought about what was troubling me and especially about how I feel when Deity is around me (which is wonderful but still entirely and frustratingly confusing) then reached out my hand and randomly pulled a book from my shelf and let it fall open in my lap. This time I had opened to page 148 of Eat, Pray, Love and my eyes immediately fell upon the words:
"That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling separate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you are flawed and broken and alone instead of whole."
That Richard is a wise man.